Grief

Grief

Acrylic 12"x 36"

Grief, a subject we all like to avoid, and never post anything negative on your art blog, things I have been told and taught.  Well, here it is in all it's glory. Grief.

Grief has and is effecting me and my life in so many ways, I just can't avoid talking about it anymore.

As some of you who know me personally, know I lost my little Sister, Carrie last year and before that her daughter, my beautiful niece, Dusty Ann.  I have actually lost 9 or 10 people I love dearly within the last 2 to 3 years, I have lost count. It is like everyone is leaving me. I have been broken heart and broken spiritually. I have been trying hard to put the pieces back together.  But, I have come to realize, those pieces will never fit the same way, because too many of them are missing.  Time does heal, in some ways,( in the fact), you learn to get on with your life the best you can. But, you never stop grieving or missing them.  I knew my loved ones, my entire life, they were and are a part of me. Each one was a precious gift. 

I have also been grieving other parts of my life that will never be the same, I live with extreme chronic pain. I get sad, I get angry and I try to ignore it. But, the truth is, it has changed my life, it has changed me. I can no longer sleep through the night, if I sleep at all, I can't work even at my art the way I want or used to. I feel lose here too, I have always been a very hard worker, very physical and active.  Now, things wipe me out that I used to take for granted, going to the store, going to the laundry mat.  Please, I am not complaining as much as just telling you about the changes in my life. My life is different now.   

What I have come to realize, I am not the same person, I was. I can't go back and own art galleries and schmooze like I use to or help other people in the art world, which I always love to do.  I can only go forward with my new life, I am not sure what all that is or will be, but, everyday I am grateful I am here on this planet breathing and able to still create and paint. I love to paint, I have drawn and painted since I was placed here on this earth, it is part of my soul, and I have no choice but to express it. It brings me joy and happiness and sometimes frustration, but always a learning experience.

All of this came up for me this past week, when I tried to step back into a world where I didn't fit or belong anymore. Grief and Pain can bring gifts as well.  I have changed, and it is not all bad. I appreciate people more, I appreciate my life more, I appreciate everything more, and I say thank you a lot. I am more honest now, I have more compassion. ( Amazing how uncomfortable this makes some people) But, also, I have less patience and tolerance for crap, phoniness, rudeness, elitist, and people being just mean spirited. Life is very precious and each and everyone of us deserve and appreciate to be treated with kindness. 

Which brings me to another, yet related subject,  Sacramento has an interesting art world, although it is filled with extremely talented artists, there is something missing. I have owned and operated 5 art galleries in the years I have lived here and the area still has that same energy.  There is a huge lack of professionalism, I am not slamming anyone. There is a level of consciousness here, that can not seem to move beyond it's mental block, even with all the wonderful artists and artwork here in this beautiful city! 

 I am going to end this post here, because this is going to be the subject of some of my next posts. 

So, stay tuned.................................Peace, show kindness today, to yourself and others!

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things,or more money in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want." 

 Margaret Young